


All the broken things

by ForeverFullofLight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x01, Angst, Coda, Heartbreak, I'm sorry I wrote this, M/M, season 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 04:14:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12161331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForeverFullofLight/pseuds/ForeverFullofLight
Summary: Cas had observed humanity for years, centuries even. He had noticed how love could transform, how it could change humanity in the best way possible. And yet, this was the first time in his whole life he knew heartbreak. And he never, ever, thought that it would feel like this.





	All the broken things

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry. I just love angst.  
> And sorry again if there are mistakes in english, I'm not a native speaker!

It had always been painful, loving Dean Winchester. Castiel just hadn't realized how much. With him it was always one step forward but then two steps back.  


"I need you"  


The words still echoed in his head. Twice, he said it. And every time Cas had thought that Dean was going to let him in then, but he never did. Instead, they both let this uncomfortable tension and awkwardness set between them, only increased with stolen glances, stares and rejected feelings. The Angel resigned himself to love Dean from afar, for years, content with whatever Dean was giving him and not asking for more, not matter how bad he wanted it. Sometimes, the ache in his heart was unverifiable, when Dean would stand close to him during a hunt, sitting beside him on the couch of the motel room. Watching Dean when he wasn't looking, he caught all the little scars or freckles on his face, those green eyes of him, his strong jaw, his pinkish lips... and the desire to touch him, to lay his palm on his cheek and feel the light brown stubble on it before pulling his closer and kissing these soft lips he thought about so many times-

But he couldn't. 

And it hurt so bad. Being with Dean, but never being able to be really, truly with him, as he wished to be. It hurt so bad Cas sometimes had to run away, flee these feelings and emotions that he couldn't control so he wouldn't do anything stupid.

It had been too late after that. Dean went off to kill Amara and Castiel thought he would never see him again. Except, he did. And that day, Cas thought something had changed. 

When he saw Dean walking in the library in the bunker, eventually keeping his mother from shooting him, when he saw Dean alive, he never had been so damn relieved and happy. Obvious to Mary's presence, to everything and everyone around, ignoring his doubts and questions, he pulled Dean in his arms, holding him for a few precious second. He could still feel the blood rushing in Dean's veins, the poundings of his heart, his breathing on his neck, every things that made him alive, every things that made him human.  
Then, Cas had dared to hope for their relation to change, that maybe something would finally come out of this. He had felt Dean hugging him back, with equal strength and desperation, he knew he had.

He was now so close that he was able to contemplate every freckles on his cheeks when he pulled back. He used to count them before, he knew he would have to do it again, just to make sure that Dean was still himself, that he was real. Cas could feel Dean's breath on his face, the warmth of his body against his. He stopped breathing as Dean's gaze crossed his own. He could sense the anguish and uncertainty in his mind, his green eyes showing fear, want, tension and relief at the same time. They stared at eachother for God knows how long, not moving, standing still in the middle of the room, inches away from eachother. Slowly, Cas let his eyes wonder on Dean's face, looking down at his lips. They seemed delicate and smooth and the Angel had to keep himself from kissing the man in front of him as Dean unconsciously licked them, his tongue darting out slightly. Cas' eyes flicked down at the soft movement. He felt the sudden urge to get closer, closer than he ever had been before. But as Cas lifted his eyes, he faintly saw in Dean's a flood of pure panic, as he realized what was happening. Cas felt is heart crumble and break when he noticed Dean, quickly shaking his head, breaking eye-contact.

"No. No Cas this is wrong."

And Dean pulled away suddenly. All oxygen got out of Cas' lungs, like he was being stabbed in the back.

Cas had observed humanity for years, centuries even. He had noticed how love could transform, how it could change humanity in the best way possible. And yet, this was the first time in his whole life he knew heartbreak. And he never, ever, thought that it would feel like this.


End file.
